Ruby-Jay Whitley

When I look back on my life, I see a kid who smiled a lot, played hard, and always showed up for others—but silently, I was falling apart inside.

My mental health struggles started young. At first, it felt like a fog I couldn’t shake. Then it got darker—depression crept in and never seemed to leave. I felt heavy, numb, disconnected. Some days, it was hard just to get out of bed. Other days, I didn’t want to be here at all.

Suicidal thoughts weren’t rare—they were constant. And more than once, I tried to make the pain stop for good. It’s hard to explain what it’s like when your own mind turns against you. It’s isolating. It’s terrifying. And it’s exhausting.

On top of that, I developed an eating disorder—another way I tried to gain control when everything inside felt chaotic. I hid it well, just like I hid everything else. No one knew the war I was fighting every single day.

Then, when I was 15, I lost a teammate to suicide. She was the most kind hearted, caring person. She was full of energy, kindness, and talent. None of us saw it coming. That loss shattered something in me. I couldn’t believe she was gone, I had it in my head that she was loved by everyone so it should have been me! 

Losing her made me realise how dangerous silence can be. How many of us are battling in secret. And how important it is to check in, speak up, and be real with each other.

I’m not going to pretend I’ve figured it all out. I still have hard days. But I’m still here—and that’s something I’m proud of. I’ve learned that healing isn’t a straight line. It’s messy and slow and sometimes painful. But it’s possible.

If you’re reading this and struggling: you’re not weak, you’re not broken, and you are absolutely not alone. Talk to someone. Keep going. You matter more than you know.

And to my teammate—thank you for the memories and the reminder to always check in on the quiet ones. I carry you with me every time I step on the field. 🌻

I want to take part in 31 miles in May to give forward and help those who are struggling silently