Katie Ford

Growing up there was no real awareness for mental health, it wasn’t really talked about and I guess everyone is supposed to just ‘get on with it’ I could go on and say that my life has never been easy and there’s still issues from my childhood that effect me. Is the reason why I’m so damaged, can’t commit, can’t trust men, hyper independent was because I grew up without a dad, my dad not reacting to me wanting to find him and being raised by a single mother? Is the reason why I’m so money orientated, career driven and selfish because I grew up without money and could that cost me having the family life I’ve always dreamed off because I just want more and more and refuse to settle down? 

Reality is whatever situation you’ve been in, wherever it comes from, even the perfect life, there’s nothing worse than being at war with your own head. 

My first battle with mental health and I realised that I was putting myself and people around me at risk I was around 14 angry, hurt, full of hate, hate for myself. 

I didn’t want to be me. I was referred to a psychiatrist as I was underage and needed medication. I was also referred to 2 other counsellors as I was out of control, self harming and had tried to overdose 3 times. I was out of control of drink and one time got escorted home by police when I was 15 due to a mental health episode where I found glass on the floor and cut my arms some may think attention seeking… truth is I don’t know what it was all I can say is I didn’t want to be me and was out of control and I could never really understand why I was this way. To this day it’s probably one of my most shameful days that changed my life forever, I have massive scars on my arms that I look at every day and some how wonder how I got through it. Luckily I didn’t get charged for drunken disorderly due to being under psychiatric care. My counsellor helped me through it and I was put on further medication, did some lessons at school in isolation, my attendance went down and drinking alcohol and weed became a coping mechanism through my teenage years. 

I lost a few friends through this and I apologise to anyone I upset, but I don’t feel like it was anything you spoken about everyone just coped in different ways, I moved onto college where I met the most amazing people found a new love for life, art and finally starting becoming myself again. I was creative, funny and ambitious. A long my journey I met some amazing people who seriously started to mould me in the person who I am today. 

This lead me on my uni journey, working part time and finally having fun and enjoying life like any young person does. Work hard party hard was my motto and I loved it. 

Fast forward to 2011, a couple of life decisions/circumstances made me stress, worry and anxiety took hold of my life. Whilst I was extremely far behind my self harming days. I struggled to eat. I was constantly sick, couldn’t keep any food down and lost 3 stone over a small period of time. I had to have a liquid food diet to try and get anything in me and I became very skinny, can’t say any girl is happy with their figure but being skinny I lost confidence and definitely prefer being more curvy. I was constantly going through tests,doctors, medication and eventually when we had some good news I could stop stressing and started to concentrate on the good things I had going on, chilled out and started to become me again. I went through a few years of working hard, playing hard and got to a point in my life where I was trying my hardest to save for a house but suddenly everyone was moving on around me, houses, engagements, weddings, babies. I knew that I would want that all eventually and only I could get it. Continuing on after being stuck in a rut I left a relationship, a job I loved but felt I could no longer progress and having lost a lot of money in a break in I had nothing left to lose. I felt numb, sad but only I could change things. I concentrated on work and put in 110%, luckily it worked out and I progressed quickly throughout my career. This job came with a lot of pressure and demanding workload and earning a lot more money than I was used to the work hard play hard lifestyle was taking over. My drinking became excessive, black outs became constant, and because I never believed in myself drink became a way out and a coping mechanism. In 2018 I saw a counsellor and doctors and was told the counsellor wouldn’t see me again until I went to AA. I had supportive friends and I knew I could get through it. I was on medication again but it was making me sick, however I kept busy and tried to stay focused and dedicated my life to the motor trade, it soon did start to pay off and my career  was on the up, I bought a house, got promoted, and was on the path to having more than I could have ever dreamed of. 2019 was my best year and I finally achieved something I could be proud of, I mean not many people can say they can afford to save a deposit, live on there own comfortably and it felt like all my hard work was paying off. I grew up on a council estate and we didn’t have much money growing up so this was a huge achievement for me.2019 was a good year. 

2020… however was not. And that’s when the world changed. My Nan passed away, Covid hit, couldn’t go out, see anyone I was lonely and before I knew it I was drinking 2 bottles of wine a day. Sometimes more. Self destruction was happening and I was fed up of battling with my head, my thoughts, anxiety. Truth is the alcohol was making it worse. Having been referred to aa again, offered medication, I was determined to beat this. I just wanting the pain and thoughts to stop. I needed to change. Now it’s easier said than done, but I’m a big believer on only you can help yourself. I kept busy and  changed job roles, I had a great support network, appreciated seeing my friends, going out more than ever, I tried to control my drinking and at times proved very hard. I had a lot more time on my hands and to be honest did this make it worse in some ways yes. I had more time to be with my thoughts, overthinking and binge drinking became worse, anxiety was heightened and I was trying my hardest to take each day at a time. My grandad became ill and was in and out of hospital. Any time off I had I didn’t know what to do with myself and over the last few years I have been extremely up and down in terms of my mental health and 

Addicton, having worried for many years about juggling everything but also wanting to be a mother and have the love of a child I decided to froze my eggs. Not being a mother had started to be something I was worrying about and I needed to take control, having been promoted to an even bigger role this was me taking action and getting back control of my life by freezing my eggs and giving me hope one day this dream would come true. I have a lot of responsibility outside work, I look after my mum grandad and cousin and I am extremely thankful for all my friends around me. I am lucky to work with an amazing team of people and extremely lucky I do always have someone to talk to, even if I don’t feel I can open up at times. I now try to focus on the little things and try not to be too hard on myself. 

Last year I got hurt by someone who had become a big part of my life and I trusted. To be honest, I’ve never been dumped or gone through a big breakup before. Unfortunately the lies, deceit,betrayal and mental torture put me in a position where my heart just hurt. Panic attacks became frequent and I couldn’t sleep or eat. In the beginning the drinking was all I could do and think about until I realised that alcohol will not solve the pain, I was extremely emotional, angry, sad, hurt and even thought I was having a heart attack at one point. This is something that took me a long time to get my head around and even still not knowing any answers or understanding the situation I was put in, that’s ok if I don’t understand because I could never do that because I’m a good honest genuine person. Sometimes bad people do bad things to good people. You can let it destroy you forever or you can move on and know that you’ll get good karma and they’ll never fully be happy. Apparently involvement with a narcissist can cause brain damage… 

After this I learnt a lot about the healing process, how my mind was working over load. I was put on anti depressants, anxiety meds, sleeping pills, seeing the doctor regularly and I became exhausted. Mentally drained. Time was the only thing that could heal this. I went through every emotion, cried a lot, and slowly it became not easier but clearer, calmer. Again I find myself extremely lucky with the people I have around me that are caring, kind, protective listen to Taylor Swift with my in the car, watching me drink gin and cry at 10.30am and just listen me moan about the same situation all the time. 

Looking back I guess I’ve always been a little bit like a jigsaw puzzle and sometimes it’s just about fitting pieces together/not fitting/breaking it up to hopefully one day be whole again. Or sometimes just muddled up that’s how I feel my brain/heart works. Now learning to take each day at a time and also listening to myself but not putting too much pressure on me or getting to burn out stage, I am far from mentally where I want to be. Continuing to heal, my little baby Harry passed away this year. I was heart broken. I was now back to square one not liking being on my own, crying. Drinking, hating that emptiness that had come back into my world. That little motherly instinct had gone. Now it may not seem much to some people but coming back to a cold dark empty house after a shit day with no one to talk to, no partner or dog is a bit shit. I was then sent a gift of Lottie from Harry to me to bring that sparkle back. Now I could go on about my life and I’m not doing this for sympathy or attention, I’m honest and will always talk openly about anything I’ve struggled with, but it’s just to say that having struggled with my mental health since around 2002 some days are good, some days are bad and don’t let the battle inside your head or one bad day/person/incident ruin that because there’s always a new day/ new opportunity. 

Do I want to walk 20k… no! 

Am I determined to… yes because I will put my mind to it. 

So to anyone that is at war with there own thoughts talk about it, seek help, cry it out, don’t be ashamed, take the medication from the doctor, go to therapy, there is always someone that will listen. Im always a message away and to anyone that has lost the battle to themself I hope you are now at peace. 

If you are helping someone struggling with mental health but don’t know what to do your presence and support is more than enough. 

You never know who your smile, advice, attitude or conversation could help. 

Be kind always ❤️ 

Don’t let one bad day ruin tomorrow.