Elijah Wilson

We have a new Member!!

'It's funny isn't it, the thing that stops you'

I've been looking back over the photos of the past year to choose the profile picture for this, pages and pages of photos and each picture is tied to a memory, some good days with family, some beautiful sunsets etc, the same we all have.

 If you looked back at those photos you would think I was happy, that I was loved and that I was getting through life pretty well. I wasn't though. I was masking, hiding something I was too ashamed to admit to anyone. At first it was easy to hide the truth that life is too hard for me, and I don't want to do it anymore. Every time something bad happened, or I had a negative emotion, a voice in my head told me I'd be better off dead anyway.

  Early summer that secret I had  been hiding for months and months got too much for me, I started to slip, withdrawing into myself, detaching from work and the  people around me, my depression became all consuming, it was the only thing I could see, it was distorting  the way I saw the world. I couldn't see that I was hurting the people around me so they start to leave, feeding into the voice in my head telling me that no one likes me anyway. Being told that I'm failing at work fed into the voice in my head telling me I'm useless, I can't do anything right. day to day chores became overwhelming, the days became too bright and too noisy to cope with, self care became secondary, eventually, after a long difficult day in early summer that voice in my head telling me life would be better if I wasn't in it, became too loud to ignore. I found myself sitting on my bed, surrounded by every single medication I could find, and decided  that was how I was going to end it.  So I planned out exactly how and when I was going to die.  I thought how much of each medication would be the most effective, and what I could realistically get hold of. I would do it on a Friday because I'm usually left alone for a few days, but not in the house because I couldn't handle the  thought of the kids seeing that.

 They're grown now, they're good kids and they have good family, they don't need a mum like me, I'm no good for them.

 I'm single, no one loves me, who could love me? no one would miss me really, work would replace me before my death certificate was signed,  I could sell the car pretty easily,  pay off the debt, there's just one thing I couldn't quite figure out though, who the f**k would take the dog?... 

It's funny, isn't it, the thing that stops you, I planned for weeks, thought everything through, I even cleaned out my desk, I had everything planned out but that's the one thing I couldn't figure out, it just seems so random.

One Friday night, I'm home, in bed, fully clothed because I just didn't have the energy to change, he's sitting next to me, of course, he always is, just watching his world go by. He just wants to be fed, and cuddled and walked so, I walked him, and watched him run in the field, pure unadulterated joy, so happy to be alive. That joy is infectious.

Skip forward 3 months, he's still here, so am I. I'm not ok, but I'm getting there. The voice isnt so loud.  I'm getting real treatment and good days are outweighing the bad ones now. I am getting out and doing stuff that makes me happy, including long walks with the creature

 So, I am doing the Glow walk for MHUK to give back to a community that has supported me and work towards everyone having access to services they need, when they need it. Our team is open, so feel free to join us, and do your own sponsored walk (the registration is £10) or sponsor us if you can. 

What's most important is that we start a conversation about mental health and break the stigma..

Thank you for your support, 

Elijah